Amulet

If you ever have the misfortune of being stuck for any period of time in Kansas, take a book. Books are to small-minded folk what garlic is to vampires. A women's studies book is like a crucifix, wrapped in garlic, doused in holy water. Slap that bad boy down. Big orange daisy. cunt. a declaration of independence. inga muscio. Ain't nobody gonna wanna talk to you for quite a long while. Perfect. Good book. Words. Etymology. Power in language. The reclaiming of slurs by marginalized folk. Killer stuff. This from the girl who lovingly calls one of her best friends Cunty Pie. Are ya really surprised I dig it? (Speaking of...you gotta read this. And shit, hit a sister up and let her know you're alive.) This phrase right here worth the price of admission: Cuntlovin' Ruler of Her Sexual Universe. Fuckin' A right.

Leftovers

Kernel of insecurity at the heart of my being. Often causes me to react to and treat people in ugly ways. Innate uncertainty exacerbated by circumstance and experience.

Fucks with your self-esteem to have someone who is to be your partner, companion, show you through their actions and words, the way that they treat you, that you are of little consequence. And you, rather than recognize that you deserve to be treated kindly, spend time and energy trying to package yourself in a way that will be more appealing.

"How about now? Still not good enough. Ok, well, let me give it another shot."

Until finally you are exhausted. Spent from the spinning and trying. Things collapse. You collapse. Under the weight of your utter failure.

Welcome to the married and divorced by 25 club. Good to have ya. Not where you had intended to land? Ah well.

In your mind you realize it is unreasonable to feel so...battered. Especially as the thing grows smaller in the distance.

Toughen up, old girl. Cruel world and all.

Working on it. Moving to a place where it can be said, where I can say, with complete conviction and certainty:

"He will never begin to know what a complete fool he was...to have had me and thrown me away."

Have been sick. Better now. Feeling very present in the moment lately. Feels good. Lotsa different trains of thought and can't seem to pick one worthy of even a post on this sad little blog. I am tragically unhip. Been reading lots of books written long before I was born. I coulda been the groupie of the literary world once upon a time. How easily I could be seduced. Words, sentences, phrases make me inordinately happy. Suppose that makes me some kind of language slut? I hope so.

Reflections

Am babying my immune system. Some kind of infection is banging on the door. Nobody's home. No time to be sick. Went back and read through this entire blog. Insomnia causes one to resort to extreme measures in order to fall happily into sleep. The place I was in a year and a half or so ago very strange to me now. What the hell was I doing? Who knows. I seem to have had myself fairly convinced it was a fulfilling course to set out on. Self-delusion is a strange beast. From the time I can remember I have been set on this path to go to a place more complementary to my essence. Got knocked off that path, onto my ass, and sent home, head hanging, a bit bruised. Am back on that path. A bit worse for wear, but a bit more wary of the obstacles that can impede my progress. Is a nice place to be, transitory though it is.

Food Porn

Since sister has been home we have been attempting to cook. We won't be winning any awards, but we manage. Am really into salad dressings lately. Tonight made this roasted red pepper vinaigrette that was amazing. I want to smear it all over my body and find someone to lick it off. Slowly and attentively. Repeatedly. Yes I am slightly deviant. If you know someone who might be into that let me know.

Sister is home. Gust of fresh air. Blasting some Big Pun. Dancing in underwear commenced. Dance Dance preview last night. Continued later today. Lots of bumming around anticipated this summer. Mary J Blige now. Is good to have her home. Just be. She really is such an amazing chick. (I may be slightly biased...) Good for my self-esteem in that I see much of myself reflected in her. And she is hella cool so I must be at least slightly so. We're a bit like a pair of old maid spinster sisters. A few cats. Very eccentric. Just younger. And incredibly fucking hot.

Today's Deadly Sin: Sloth

As opposed to lust which is my usual favorite deadly sin. Classes are finished. Last day of substitute teaching was today. Summer school is a no go. Let the bumming around commence. Enrolled for fall classes today. Hit the library. (That's what we nerds do when faced with unprecendented amounts of free time.) Got some good stuff. Lotsa people waiting around to use the computers. "Um, hey, guys, they have these things here called...ummm...books. Check one out while ya waitin'." Parents are going to retrieve the sister tomorrow. Get excited. I got stuck working. Surprise, surprise. Dance dance show down 2006 goes down Sunday. You can come if ya wanna. I'll mix some mojitos. Have some tzatziki I whipped up sittin' in the fridge. We can bake pita bread. Miss you bunches. Visit soon, eh?

Ugly

A bit of realization recently: I am self-absorbed. Egocentric. I run roughshod through life trampling people's feelings. Abrasive. I use people to meet my own needs. My motives are not pure and altruistic. I have little interest in saving the world and a great interest in saving myself. I am stingy. Time, affection, intimacy not readily parted with. Self-preservation my overiding instinct; pushes everything else to the background. Balance, the recurring theme in my life of late. How do I balance my own needs with the needs of people around me? And the real question: Do I even care enough to try?

Getting ready to hibernate. I have these grand intentions of sleeping for nine or ten hours, but will probably be wide awake in five or six. It is supposed to be eighty degrees here today. Glorious. Hope it pans out. Consumed a giant margarita a while back and gave my phone number to the waiter at the Mexican restaurant. His English...not so good. My Spanish...nonexistant. We have a tentative date tomorrow evening. Must learn how to say dirty things. Got a new push-up bra. The resulting cleavage is illegal in four states. Maybe five. Be sure and show some love to yo' mama tomorrow. Love here for mine.

Love

Last A&P class yesterday night with the exception of the final. Shoulder boy talking about cattle farming. Shut up. Please. You are ruining my fantasy. Hand tracing up abdomen. Bliss. Take off your shirt. I am an incorrigible slut. Feeling lazy today. Big, snuggly tiger cat on my lap. Begging for attention and slapping me in the face with his tail. Love him. Speaking of love, countdown to the return of sister continues. Will be nice to have a kindred spirit so close. Lonely sometimes without one. Feeling a bit boxed in of late. Hard to imagine in such a progressive, liberal area, eh? Believe it. Trudge through dear one. Press on. But of course.

Honesty.

Substitute teaching in a kindergarten class today. The sweetest little boy comes over, tugs on the bottom of my shirt. I stoop down to eye level. Huge, innocent, brown eyes. Tiny little voice. "Hey didja lose weight? Cuz last time you were here ya looked kinda fat." Honest little devil, aren't we? Ah, children. Sometimes a little rough on the self-esteem.

Today's Special

Huge nutrition project due today that I have not started. A big fat anatomy test that I am unprepared for. The beginings of a headache. And a bottle of rum. Combine all ingredients. Shake well. Slap my ass and call me fucked. How many days until summer vacation?