Kernel of insecurity at the heart of my being. Often causes me to react to and treat people in ugly ways. Innate uncertainty exacerbated by circumstance and experience.
Fucks with your self-esteem to have someone who is to be your partner, companion, show you through their actions and words, the way that they treat you, that you are of little consequence. And you, rather than recognize that you deserve to be treated kindly, spend time and energy trying to package yourself in a way that will be more appealing.
"How about now? Still not good enough. Ok, well, let me give it another shot."
Until finally you are exhausted. Spent from the spinning and trying. Things collapse. You collapse. Under the weight of your utter failure.
Welcome to the married and divorced by 25 club. Good to have ya. Not where you had intended to land? Ah well.
In your mind you realize it is unreasonable to feel so...battered. Especially as the thing grows smaller in the distance.
Toughen up, old girl. Cruel world and all.
Working on it. Moving to a place where it can be said, where I can say, with complete conviction and certainty:
"He will never begin to know what a complete fool he was...to have had me and thrown me away."
3 comments:
If he even has a grain of sense he will know what he has lost. I love you lots, mom!!
You have to say things like that 'cause yer my mom. Thanks for saying them anyway.
Are we to have said club meetings with cheesecake and booze?
I would like to say that they will someday realize what they have lost, but as yer momma said, that would require a grain of sense and I don't believe the sense wagon stops at their houses.
Post a Comment